Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
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They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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