My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
