We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
