Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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