Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
