My friends, they love my intelligence
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
