I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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