I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
