The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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