I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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