I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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