She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
