Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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