Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
