I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
