My hand turned me down
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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