My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize