I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
