What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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