She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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