the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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