When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
