I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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