you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
