i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He did a backflip because drugs
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