I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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