I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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