nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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