isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
