I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
