So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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