Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
