I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Come share oat with me in your robe
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
