Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
