the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
