She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
