I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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