i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
