I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
