it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
