i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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