Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
