I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
