nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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