I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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