I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
