I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
where are my eyebrows?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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