So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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