Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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