If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
