Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
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Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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