if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
barbara walters just said penis...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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