Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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