There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
