these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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